A word of warning: this will be an R-rated post. Parents, we suggest you hide the kiddies. Kiddies, if you’re reading this without your parents’ knowledge, be sure you’re hiding safely underneath the covers or in the bathroom so they don’t catch you peekin’. We’re certainly not going to be posting any nudity — Yolanda would never do such a thing — but we are going to use some foul language up in this bitch today.
But we’re not mad. Not in the least. It’s just that the house we are about to discuss was sold by Real Housewives of Beverly Hills breakout star Erika Girardi (Miss Erika Jayne if ya nasty) to legally-embattled Hollywood honcho Ryan Kavanaugh. And both Mrs. Girardi and Mr. Kavanaugh are famously fond of using off-color language in their everyday lives. And guess what? Yolanda is too. So we thought we should adopt the owners’ mindset while discussing this bitchin’ beach pad. Oops. There we go already.
Before we get started, your gurl has gotta let the truth be told for a moment. We love Mrs. Girardi. We think she’s the best damn thing that ever happened to this bitchy but basically boring band of botoxed big boobed broads. She’s fun, she’s down to earth, she’s rich as f*ck, she doesn’t give a f*ck, she whips the word “cunty” around like it’s cotton candy and she’s got a 100-year-old husband she occasionally drags out of her Pasadena castle and trots around town. What’s not to love?
Our hot ho, in case you’re unaware, joined the cast in the most recent season (numero 6), ostensibly as a longtime friend of Yolanda Hadid’s (formerly Yolanda Foster). Before reality TV stint she was better known as dance-pop star Erika Jayne in legions of gay clubs around the country. For her part, Yolanda (being Yolanda) had never heard of Mrs Girardi (or Miss Jayne) prior to her small screen debut. So we listened to her music to see what the hullabaloo was all about. And, well… it just ain’t our thing, kids. That doesn’t mean it’s not good, it’s just not to Yolanda’s persnickety taste. We’ve still got mad love for our cunt.
But whatever. Is your gurl yakking away up in this shit? Probably. Does she need a life? Most definitely.
Mrs. Girardi’s senior citizen (but still spry) hubby – the two reportedly met while she was working as a waitress at one of his favorite Beverly Hills eateries – is a very rich man. And when Yolanda says very rich, she means rich as hell. This guy is loaded like whoa. Yolanda deals with a lot of ballers on this blog, and we can confidently say this guy is up there with the biggest of them. And he’s famous in his own right thanks to the Erin Brokovitch film. Yeah, that was based on a lawsuit he championed.
Records reveal Mr. Girardi acquired his oceanfront Malibu crash pad way back near the dawn of time (August 1989) for $2,550,000 — 10 long years before he hitched his vintage wagon to Mrs. Girardi. The seller, Yolanda discovered, was Married with Children producer Arthur Silver, the very same guy who built that humongous mansion up on Cliffside Drive in Malibu that was recently acquired by a mysterious offshore corporation. We just discussed it the other day. It’s a small world in Malibu.
But anyway. At some point following the marriage, Mrs. Girardi’s name was added to the deed. You go, gurl! Get that real estate ish nailed down.
Eventually, however, the couple grew tired of the constant PCH traffic right out their front door, or the pounding surf, or the hordes of tourists. Or something. Maybe they just saw an opportunity to cash in. In October 2009, Mr. & Mrs. Girardi dumped the oceanfront spread for $7,000,000 to then-up-and-coming Hollywood hotshot Ryan Kavanaugh.
Mr. Kavanaugh — a guy who’s a constant buzz topic in the entertainment industry — gave the place a minor renovation and first attempted to flip it in August 2011 for an unknown but obviously too-optimistic price. Unfortunately for Mr. Kavanaugh, the house did not sell and languished on and off the market for years until he finally managed to lose it this past July (2015) for $8,750,000. The new owners, per property records, are cardiologist J. Nathan Rubin and his wifey Michele.
The oceanfront property sits cheek-to-jowl between the neighboring homes, the ocean, and always-clogged Pacific Coast Highway, but it does sport a private (and petite) grassy courtyard with palm trees and a slightly cunty fountain.
The house keeps things simple inside with its honey-hued wood floors and a lot of white everywhere else. There’s an area that’s sort of a living room/media room/library hybrid with cantilevered, skylight-filled ceilings. The surprisingly-commodious office is perfect for your inner artist or maybe your inner slut. Clear the chairs and let Erika Jayne out to shake her ass in here. We can totally picture her doing it.
The kitchen and dining area continue the neutral color tone theme. We know some of you might be more drawn to overtly luxurious Malibu spreads like the ones Camille Grammer and Yolanda Hadid just sold, but we love this decor. Our idea of the perfect beach house is something simple that does not distract from the beauty of the view, and this property fulfills that damn near as well as any.
The second-floor master bedroom has a slim second-floor balcony overlooking the sea below.
A party-sized shower adorns the master bathroom and the closet is, as you’d expect, big enough to hold all of Mrs. Girardi’s weekend-ready clothes and accessories.
The first floor has a oceanside deck big enough to host a small crew of Mrs. Girardi’s boytoys.
La Costa Beach, where this property is located, sits directly south of the more famous Carbon Beach (aka Billionaires’ Beach). While not as celebrified as its snootier neighbor to the north, La Costa has nonetheless attrected all sorts of famous hoes to its thin strip of sand. People like the Osbournes, Dr. Luke, Ryan Murphy, and Todd Phillips have all owned houses here.
Mr. Kavanaugh currently resides in Malibu’s celebrity-choked Point Dume area, where in early 2014 he paid exactly $7,000,000 (he’s fond of paying that figure for Malibu houses, so it appears) to comedian Howie Mandel for a rather odd-looking land-locked mansion. As it turns out, the legally-embattled Mr. Kavanaugh just flipped that house back on the market with a turbocharged $9,995,000 pricetag.
As for Mr. & Mrs. Girardi, though the major Democratic fundraisers no longer own their Malibu vacation house, they continue to own not one but two private planes (one for USA trips, one for international flights). They also continue to own their longtime main residence, a truly spectacular 1928 Spanish Colonial Revival-meets-Santa Barbara-style residence co-designed by lauded architect Myron Hunt. A deep dive through property records reveals that Mr. Girardi originally acquired the house with his first wife Karen way back in November 1980. Our homegurl Erika Jayne was then just 9 years old. Mull that one over, beotches.
Although Mrs. Girardi has stated on the TV that the house is 17,000 square feet and sits on 5 acres of land, property records show something different. According to Yolanda’s research, the house is 10,277 square feet on two parcels of land that together total approximately 2 acres.
Make no mistake, 10k+ square feet is still a huge house and 2 acres is a ton of land for LA, but those are some pretty big and inexplicable discrepancies. Maybe our gurl Mrs. Girardi will give the cunty Yolanda a ring and let her know where they’re hiding an additional 7,000 square feet of living space from the property tax assessor. Pretty please?
But either way, we’re not trying to imply this house isn’t a mind-blowing, amazeballs, billionaire-worthy spread. Because it is. It totally fuckin’ is.
In all honesty, beotches, whatever the true square footage and acreage, we’re going to go on record and say we believe this is the most fabulously baller-style house featured on any Real Housewives franchise. It may not be the most expensive – though it’s almost certainly worth in excess of $10 million – and it may not be to everyone’s taste, but it just purrs money. Everything from the yellow wallpaper in the dining room to the entryway to the damn chapel just bleeds green. But it’s done in such a classy, cute, cunty way!
By the way, it’s Mrs. Girardi herself who is responsible for the decor you see in photos above. It was she who, some years ago, hired high-fallutin’ and much-published interior designer Joan Behnke to do up the residence in an Old Hollywood glamour style. And Yolanda is of the opinion that Ms. Behnke mostly succeeded in her quest.
For what’s it’s worth, Ms. Behnke has also done up the homes for some of the biggest ballers in America. She did over Tom Brady & Gisele Bundchen’s Richard Landry house in Brentwood – the one they sold for $40,000,000 to Dr. Dre and Nicole Threatt a couple years ago. She also did up the Washington, D.C. compound of our boy Ambassador Yousef Al Otaiba. Other clients include billionaires and other assorted financial heavy hitters like Alec Gores, Younes Nazarian, and Marty Adelstein. Miss Behnke does not come cheap. Oh no. Our beotch will most assuredly not wave her decorative wand without (we’re guessing) a six-figure base fee — at least.
So as you can see, our ho Mrs. Girardi — Erika Jayne — is properly loaded. And she really is a bit of an enigma wrapped in a riddle and cash. Lots of cash. We still haven’t quite nailed down whether our gurl is just another gold digger or a cunningly sophisticated broad cloaked in a typical blonde bimbo-like look. All we know is that we’re going to be pissed if season 7 isn’t here by, like, tomorrow. Wait… did we just admit that out loud? Does that make Yolanda lame? Sh*t!