There’s nothing a lonely ol’ real estate yenta like Yolanda Yakketyyak loves more than chatting with you young’uns who share her “passion”. Or her sickness, if you prefer. In the past week we’ve had the good fortune to receive tips from two different readers who somehow stumbled across this mess of a blog and decided they liked it enough to ham it up with your gurl. Poor things must’ve been wasted. Go sleep it off now, boys.
Anyway, one of our tipsters – we’ll call him Tip Ster because we aren’t creative enough to think up a cute alias, sorry – alerted us to a super-sleek modern pad in the heart of West Hollywood. Mr. Ster wanted to know if we had any idea who bought this box. Records show the new spec build sold just two weeks ago for a not-insignificant $3,550,000 and the purchaser is carefully shielded behind an entity calling itself the “Black Gore Creek Trust”.
Well, lucky for our Mr. Ster (and y’all) Yolanda is now in a position to unveil the mystery buyer. It’s a gal named Lindsey Vonn.
Chances are if you’re into skiing at all (or the Olympics in general), you’ve heard of her. Yolanda spent a little time researching Ms. Vonn’s stats and she’s really quite amazing. Her career accolades include two World Championship gold medals, three Olympic gold medals, and a mind-blowing 76 World Cup victories. Needless to say, she’s become the face of her particular sport and a pretty big celeb, too. And did we mention Ms. Vonn is also easy on the eyes? Damn. Some folks just have it all!
But enough of our jibber-jabber. Let’s get to the house.
Listing details show the 4,018 square foot brand-new abode has 4 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms. It’s also jam-packed on a teeny-tiny 6,600 square foot lot – or barely .15 of an acre. To those of you who do not hail from Lala land, it may seem insane for Ms. Vonn to have forked out more than $3.5 million for a 4k square foot house on such a tiny West Hollywood lot. But if you’re thinking she overpaid like crazy, think again.
Yolanda’s cursory research shows there are at least a dozen similarly-sized (and similar-looking) new spec-houses within walking distance of Ms. Vonn’s crib that have sold for more than $3 million in the past few years. People love their glassy mod boxes in this central area. And though folks will never agree about where the real center of LA is, this house is pretty damn central, in Yolanda’s opinion. In a good way.
The property is surrounded by a slightly silly thigh-high iron gate. There’s a front-facing black glass two-car garage and a walkway bordered on both sides by water features leading to the glass front door.
Once inside the foor, the house immediately bares all her goodies. She’s a nasty slut! (Not you, Ms. Vonn. Just your new house.)
You’ve got the wood-and-glass staircase to your right, white oak flooring beneath your feet, and an open-concept floor plan that combines the living room, the dining room, and the kitchen into one in front. Actually, there’s really only this one room on the entire first floor.
The kitchen is, again per the listing, equipped with high-end Miele appliances. We’re not sure what the countertops are – granite or stone of some kind, we’re guessing. The Daewoo-sized center island also sports a built-in breakfast bar.
The backyard is teensy-weensy but does squeeze in a petite plunge pool with a submerged sun deck. You know whose house Ms. Vonn’s place reminds Yolanda of? It’s kinda like a budget version of Giada de Laurentiis’s new Pacific Palisades crib, just without a view.
The surprisingly commodious master suite provides a zillion more of those fluorescent little light buggers (Yolanda intensely dislikes those lil f*ckers for whatever reason). The room could be interesting, we think, but the ho-hum colors, lighting elements, and decor collude to make it seem somewhat banal. Maybe a pinch of some real good artwork would liven the place up.
The master bath has a party-sized shower, massive window for your inner nudist, and more cream-colored flooring. There’s also a closet that should hold quite a bit of Ms. Vonn’s no-doubt explosive amount of ski gear and clothing.
We just had to point this out – this is in one of the other four bedrooms. Good Lord, what the heck is that creepy headless mannequin doing in the window? If Yolanda were Ms. Vonn, first thing she’d do upon signing the check is to power our Olympian legs up the stairs, toss that crap off the balcony, then exorcise that entire room. Maybe the whole house if we’re feelin’ sassy. But we digress yet again.
Ms. Vonn’s new house is conveniently located only three blocks south of LA’s ever-trendy Melrose Avenue. There’s a lot of very yummy (and scene-y) restaurants around this area. Perhaps that’s a good thing for Ms. Vonn, who has become just as well-known for her life off the slopes as on. Divorced from her fellow Olympian hubby of five years, our gurl has since (in)famously begun and ended a long-term relationship with Tiger Woods. She now may or may not be gettin’ busy with Hunger Games actor Alexander Ludwig, a guy who lives full-time in LA. Will this house purchase add more fuel to the relationship rumors? Could be.
The Vonn family seat has long been in the spectacularly-gorgeous resort town of Vail, Colorado. To be honest, y’all, silly ol’ Yolanda is unsure what Ms. Vonn’s Vail real estate situation is, but we are certain at least one of you can enlighten your gurl on that subject. Get thee to it.
Mazel Tov to you and your new house, Ms. Vonn. Just don’t forget about that guillotined mannequin. We want that sh*t burned to the ground, stat. xoxo.