Believe it or not, y’all, but Yolanda first heard whispers of this from our friend Vlad the Revealer over at Celebrity Address Aerial more than two weeks ago. Our Mr. Revealer contacted us out of the great blue yonder to snitch about everyone’s favorite makeup maven. You know who. Little Miss Kylie Jenner. Lord have mercy, kiddies. The dam has broken; hell hath frozen over, thawed, burned to a crisp and then been iced out again. Yolanda is writing about the Kardashians. Again!
Anyway, and as you may know, Yolanda’s favorite Kardashian is Kylie Jenner. (Yeah, yeah, we know she’s not technically a Kardashian. But who’s splitting hairs up in here?) So naturally we were all ears when Mr. Revealer told us that Miss Jenner — who despite her very mature looks is still a teenager — was soon to be the top-secret new owner of a humongous and brand-new Hidden Hills mansion that was (at that time) in escrow with an asking price of $12,426,000.
Know what Yolanda did when we heard that?
We laughed. Yes, we admit it! We laughed and laughed. Then we laughed some more. We were so, so foolish. You see, we couldn’t fathom that young Miss Jenner — who only just turned 19 — would want a gargantuan $12 million house in the very same gated community where she already owns a $10.5 million compound just a couple streets away. And she just bought that compound a couple months ago! Come on. Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous?
Listen, kids, the Kardashians are by definition absolutely ridiculous. We know. But that sort of blatant real estate gluttony is utter lunacy. Even for them. Yolanda knew the story Mr. Revealer told us just couldn’t be true. Never.
Well, today Yolanda is devouring a supersized platter of crow or humble pie or a large hat (?). Whatever you prefer. Wanna know why? We’ll tell you anyway! Because that huge new mansion, the very one Mr. Vlad the Revealer fingered as Miss Jenner’s latest acquisition, sold about a week ago for $12,050,000. And we can exclusively tell y’all the buyer is…
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
LOL keep waiting…
You see, after we had slapped ourselves a few times to quell the guffaws from our initial reaction to Mr. Revealer’s bit of gossip, we told ourselves “What the hell? Let’s just make sure and ask someone who knows.” We turned to our luxe-living new friend Hidden Hills Hannah, who said she didn’t know. Oh well.
But then, just last night, we received an unexpected communication from Ms. Hannah. Our gurl told us that she had talked to one of the HOA’s security guards who just couldn’t resist spilling the beans on Miss Jenner’s undercover purchase.
In light of this shocking development, we approached our pal Deep Throat, the ultimate final word on anything and everything. It took him a hot minute but eventually he thirded the motion previously put forth by both Mr. Revealer and Ms. Hannah. According to all three of our best snitches, kiddies, Miss Jenner really did drop a baller-style $12,050,000 for yet another gigantic mansion in Hidden Hills.
Ms. Hannah told us that there are also several pictures and video evidence thingamajiggys out there on social media. She helpfully pointed us to the below photo, which came from Miss Jenner’s Instagram feed and shows an outdoor living area that very clearly matches her $12 million house. It’s also worth noting that this picture was posted on the very day last week that this house closed escrow. Jolly good and helpful of Miss Jenner to post this, we say.
Yes, kids, 19-year-old Miss Jenner now owns three mansions in an exclusive gated community. Altogether, the properties cost her a whopping $22,575,000. Oh, and while there are numerous reports that Miss Jenner also owns a fourth house in Calabasas — and she did indeed live there — Yolanda has plumbed the dirty depths of property records and we’re about 99.99% certain that Calabasas house is technically owned not by young Miss Jenner but rather by her famously ambitious (and hardworking) Mama Kris.
Now then. It’s real estate picture storytime!
The house in question looks almost bizarrely identical to the other two Hidden Hills houses she already owns. Our Miss Jenner apparently does not care to venture out of the style groove to which she has accustomed herself, which is a right shame if anyone were to ask Yolanda. Couldn’t Miss Jenner go for something a bit sexier than this very fancy but slightly banal house?
The house is rather optimistically described in marketing materials as “Cape Cod” in style. Hmm. We’ve seen Cape Cod houses before, babies, and we think those lovely lasses would take (justifiable) umbrage at the implication this bloated beached whale – luxurious and pricey as it may be – is related to them.
Let’s just say it’s a newly-built palace with a decidedly traditional-esque architectural bent. There are 13,200 square feet of living space with 8 bedrooms and a total of 9.75 bathrooms. A 6-car garage and 1.43 acres of flat land complete the basic package.
The house’s front door opens to an airport hangar of an entrance lobby with an industrial-sized staircase. Stairs are topped with a trendy dark hardwood. Everything else is off-white, with the exception of the blondish hardwood floors underfoot. (Birch? Ash?)
Oh and remember — those stairs are for HOV’s and the upper landing is for loading/unloading only!
As you’d probably imagine, the mansion includes a spacious living room, family room and dining room. Sliding walls of glass bring the outdoors inside (or vice versa)
The house also has a private gym (not pictured) and a massage room with his-and-hers tables. Lucky bastard, that Tiger (or Tigger or whatever the heck Miss Jenner’s unemployable rapper boyfriend calls himself.)
The master bedroom has its own mini living room (probably bigger than the living rooms in most “normal” houses.) And let’s not forget the master bathroom. Like most other rooms in the house, it’s just this side of gigantic and includes a marble- (or some other stone-) slathered floor that could probably double as a spare ballroom, so vast is the space.
There’s a negative-edge saltwater swimming pool and a prairie-sized swath of green lawn. Outdoor terraces include several lounge and eating areas. Thankfully, most are covered and thus sheltered from the sweltering San Fernando Valley sun.
The property lies on “Hidden Ridge Road,” a newly-developed cul-de-sac within the Hidden Hills community that will soon be completely dotted with shiny new mega-mansions like this one.
Oh, and in case you think Ms. Jenner overpaid like crazy for this house, think again. A similarly-sized (and similarly-styled) spec-mansion directly across the street sold just a couple months ago for $14,595,000 to a very rich healthcare CEO named Richard Gonzalez.
The burning question on everyone’s mind is why Miss Jenner would purchase three houses in Hidden Hills? Yolanda wondered that herself. We talked to Mr. Deep Throat about it. He told us the properties were investments – her makeup line has been so lucrative and successful that she’s looking for places to park the cash.
But our Ms. Hannah told us a different story. She said she heard that young Miss Jenner purchased the big new house as a crash pad. That’s right, kiddies, a $12 million crash pad. According to Ms. Hannah, Miss Jenner plans to tear down not one but both of the other two Hidden Hills houses she already owns – and they are brand-new, remember – and build herself an enormous mega-compound befitting a proper celebrity with A+ list cash.
So we guess the proper answer is that the jury’s still out. Yes?
Yolanda really doesn’t know what else to say about this. It’s a 19-year-old spending $22,575,000 on luxury real estate. That’s massive money to everyone but billionaires. That’s Beverly Park money. What else can we say that we haven’t already said?
We can’t think of anything. So we’ll say it all again.
Miss Jenner — Yolanda has a few last words just for you. We hate to get so philosophical on y’all this early in the week, we really do. But dear Miss Jenner, your life has us puzzled. You’re still a teen and you’ve already got the mansions, the cars, the clothes, the jewels, the business empire, the jetset lifestyle, the fame, the (allegedly) purchased hot body. Now what?
You’ve conquered every aspect of this material life. What else is left for you out there? For the remainder of your many decades of life, Miss Jenner?
Maybe when you’re 60, when you’ve just purchased your latest $100 million mansion, maybe you’ll momentarily pause. You’ll close your eyes and recall a different time forty years ago… the ancient days. Back in 2016! You’ll remember. There was still time back then. You could’ve fixed it all. Think back! You can see the crowd, your 73 million followers on that long-forgotten Instagram app. In your reflection, you’re still there now! You can change it, you can save them all, save yourself. You can warn them all about the horrid, cynical future. Just lock down this place, this time, hold on and make it last forever. Step out into the light, Miss Jenner. You’re young and free and about to burst…
Yes, Miss Jenner. You’ve done it again. Those Hidden Hills gossip queens will hiss and moan, of course. “There she goes again,” the old hens will cackle, “That Jenner gurl. Too much damn money.”
But let ’em burn, Miss Jenner. Let nary a teardrop form as they snivel in your gold-crusted dust. You’re home now. For now! Billions in the bank, the wind in your face, your unnaturally-plump lips curving to form a subtle smile. You’re taking the lead, still our number one with a bullet…
Selling agent: Marc Shevin, Berkshire Hathaway HomeService
Kylie Jenner’s agent: Tomer Fridman, Ewing Sothebys