All of y’all who hang around here long enough eventually learn that Yolanda loves us some Tina Trahan real estate cray-cray almost as much as we hate our rich, old, third ex-husband Randall. Bless her heart, Ms. Trahan is back in business and she’s saving the day by giving us life through her real estate moves.
What a gal! And for those out there who don’t know who Ms. Trahan is, what the hell is wrong with you?
Anyway, some time ago one of our devoted readers forwarded us an article from a prominent Chicago newspaper. Apparently our Ms. Trahan — born and bred in Chicago, she was — recently gave her very first public interview and it is every bit as juicy and entertaining as we might have expected. It’s also a wee bit annoying because Yolanda has only been asking Ms. Trahan for an interview for, like, the last two years or so. And she always tells us no! But then she goes and blabs away to Crain’s Chicago Business and then blabs some more to Lake Geneva News just to spite us!
The articles deal with Ms. Trahan’s excessive spending in the faraway resort town of Lake Geneva, Wisconsin, which has all the locals agog. To begin with, Ms. Trahan has spent $16 million to purchase 5 of the 6 condo units in a 40,000+ square foot mega-mansion called Stone Manor. She has also announced her intention to convert the property into a single-family home, the way it was when it was originally constructed in 1899. Lastly, Ms. Trahan hired acclaimed interior designer Michael S. Smith (he was the Obamas’ White House decorator, FYI) to give the ol’ gurl a facelift, surely at massive cost.
For a couple tantalizing photographs of the ultra-modernized behemoth, hop on over to Ms. Trahan’s interview with Crain’s.
We digress. Buried in all of Ms. Trahan’s fun newspaper quotes (“It looked like Marie Antoinette threw up in there.”) and eye-popping wealth (She plans to spend only six weeks per year at Lake Geneva, despite the fact that she will have invested over $20 million into the giant property once all is said and done) was also something that Yolanda found extremely surprising. You see, Ms. Trahan told Crain’s that she is currently building a mansion in LA’s Pacific Palisades that will cost her $18 million.
Huh?! This shocked Yolanda. We like to think we know Ms. Trahan pretty well (not that well, but you get our drift), yet we had no clue she owned anything in the Palisades. So we did the only sensible thing: we sprang into action and opened an official investigation.
Lo and behold, a quick stroll through property records reveals that less than one month ago — in late December 2017 — our very own Ms. Trahan forked over a massive $16,000,000 in a totally off-market deal for an unfinished spec-mansion located in the most fashionable (and expensive) Palisades neighborhood of all: the Riviera.
Unfortunately because of the off-market sitch, Yolanda does not have any photos to share with y’all. We wish that weren’t the case. Next time we’re in the Riviera we will try to snap a few exterior pics of the unfinished pad. We also do not know which architect designed the hulking Traditional-style beast, but we would not be the least bit surprised if it turns out to be Ken Ungar. Our Mr. Ungar is a very successful fellow who specializes in Traditional Palisades mansions, in case y’all didn’t know.
We are also not sure what the exact size of the new house is, but Ms. Trahan says it will clock in at 12,000-square-feet. And Yolanda believes her. Remember, kiddies — if anyone knows how to count numbers, it’s Ms. Trahan. The lot size, however, is public record: just .42 of an acre.
And while $16 million might seem like an utterly ridiculous price to pay for an under-construction house on less than a half-acre of land, keep in mind that it is in line with recent sales in the neighborhood. Last year, a richie-rich couple named Matt & Kathy Barrett dropped a $22 million bomb on a 10,000-square-foot spec-mansion just up the street. And just around the corner is another huge spec house that sold for $22.4 million last year to prominent violinist Anne Akiko Meyers and her loaded hubby Jason Subotky. Oh, and let’s not forget the contemporary Riviera extravaganza that was designed by uber-successful architect Paul McClean and sold for a maddening $32.5 million in 2016 to private equity guru Richard Hollander, an amount that remains the most ever paid for a Palisades house.
Ms. Trahan currently resides in another (smaller) spec-mansion in a leafy section of eastern Santa Monica near the Brentwood Country Mart, though we are certain that Ms. Trahan’s current Santa Monica neighbors will shed no tears over her departing the neighborhood. As y’all might recall, she royally pissed off everyone all when she illegally destroyed a beautiful old tree in front of her house (the tree was actually growing on public land, believe it or not). We can’t imagine that many of them will be sad to see Ms. Trahan depart the 90402.
Over in the Palisades Riviera, some of Ms. Trahan’s new neighbors include a whole slew of famous/notable folks like Michelle Pfeiffer, Sam Raimi, Molly Sims, Jennifer Garner, Brooke Shields, JJ Abrams, Sam Harris, Kate Hudson, Tom Hanks, Steven Spielberg, Bill Cosby, Joseph Gordon Levitt’s mother-in-law Tamme Mccauley, and many more. Let’s wish her better luck with those folks, shall we? Just don’t get any ideas about their trees, Ms. Trahan.
For those of you wondering how Ms. Trahan can afford to spend $16 million in the Palisades, $16 million in Wisconsin, and $7 million in Santa Monica all in less than two years, it’s because she is married to a very powerful media CEO named Chris Albrecht. Our boy rules the Starz cable TV network and in 2013 alone his pay package was an unfathomable $31 million (yes, in just one year Mr. Albrecht earned more than 99% of people will earn in their entire lives).
Mr. Albrecht’s name does not appear on the Pacific Palisades deed (only Ms. Trahan is listed) but if he isn’t the financial firepower behind this purchase… well, Yolanda will eat our Ann Maree Willett-made hat.
And listen, Ms. Trahan. Show your gurl some love and invite us over. Just because you’re blessed with an inordinately large bank account and an extraordinary life of leisure doesn’t mean you don’t need Yolanda’s sassy tongue to appraise your interior decor choices. We’re house-trained now, promise.
Y’all might think that Mr. Albrecht and Ms. Trahan are crazy to drop $40 million on luxury real estate within the span of just two years. But Yolanda gets it. You see, the couple were a couple back in the early 2000s. But then the couple weren’t a couple anymore, for unknown reasons! Mr. Albrecht married and divorced some hot young thing, and Ms. Trahan gave birth to two daughters with two different baby daddies (neither of whom is Mr. Albrecht).
But then, 15 years after their breakup, here they are. Back in love, back together, now married. And they clearly don’t want to waste any more time. While they can’t change the past years, they can alter the future. So they will lock down this place, this time, hold on and try to make it last forever. Step out into the light, Ms. Trahan. You’re still young and free and about to burst…
What a gal!