A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Yolanda made a promise to herself and to you, our fair and faithful readers. We swore that no matter what befell this blog, whether it reduced Yolanda to poverty or brought us innumerable riches, whether it grew large or unraveled faster than a cheap sweater, whether it became a classy hot mess or just a hotter hot mess, we would never do one thing. We would never, ever write about the Kardashian brood.
It’s not that they aren’t rich. It’s not that they aren’t celebrities. It’s not that they don’t spend outrageous amounts of cash on luxury homes. They are and do all those things. It’s simply that this family has reached the pinnacle of fame and fortune by hogging attention. Getting folks to talk about them. It’s their lifeline, their secret weapon, the hammer to their Thor.
That’s a major turn-off to Yolanda. We don’t like to write about folks who are desperately seeking attention. And really, what’s the point of us writing about them when every minute detail of their real estate purchases (and the rest of their lives) are splashed out in every gossip rag before the ink is dry on the contract?
But as noble as our “NoKardashiansEver” resolution may have seemed, at the end of the day money talks. Yolanda is a slave to the almighty dinero just like every other beotch anywhere. And when you have a 19-year-old buying a $10.5 million luxury compound in an exclusive gated community, could Yolanda — in good conscience — ignore that? Of course she could never ever.
So we acquiesce. You win, you krazy Kardashians. You got Yolanda to write about you. Proceed with your world takeover.
It was our Kardashian-attuned friends over at TMZ who first broke the story about young Miss Jenner (then only 18 Y.O.) throwing down $6 million on a brand-new spec-mansion in the guard-gated and celebrity-packed community of Hidden Hills, way out there deep in the San Fernando Valley where the K-Klan has long been based. Before anyone really had time to digest the info, Ms. Thang went out and plunked down another $4.5 million on the smaller house next door.
Property records viewed by Yolanda very clearly confirm that Miss Jenner purchased both houses through her “Candice Joe Trust”. The big one went for $6,025,000 in May (2016), and the smaller one sold for $4,500,000 in June. That’s a total outlay of $10,525,000 for all you math-challenged peeps like Yolanda.
Perhaps the most mind-boggling thing about this sale is that it appears that the barely-legal Miss Jenner may have ponied up nearly the entire sale price in cold, hard cash. The mortgage on the big house is a paltry $1.1 million bucks, and Yolanda finds no evidence of any financing on the smaller structure. That doesn’t necessarily prove anything, but it does indicate that Miss Jenner may have slammed down well over $9 million in greenbacks from her bank account. Bam! How you like them apples?! Our gurl must be selling truckloads of makeup to the tweenies.
The larger house sits on a 3.15-acre parcel at the end of one of the longest private driveways that Yolanda has ever laid eyes on. Seriously, it must take Miss Jenner about 5 minutes just to drive down to the mailbox. The luxury residence — rather refreshingly free of staging in listing photos — has a double-height entryway with a wine cellar prominently tucked under the huge staircase. Hardwood floors run through most of the home’s 7,040-square-feet. The catering-sized kitchen comes equipped with two massive and marble topped center islands and every high-end appliance imaginable.
Other creature comforts and high-end features include a four-car garage with epoxy floors, an outdoor loggia with a built-in barbecue, pool, spa, lots of green lawn space, and a total of 6 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms.
The single-story house on 3.3 acres next door isn’t quite as luxurious as the larger one, but it’s also brand-new and comes with all the luxury features any teenage millionaire might expect — save perhaps for a sports court. But the vineyard makes up for that, right?
If you’re thinking these two homes look oddly similar, it’s because both structures were spec-built by the same guy, a Hidden Hills resident named Mike Ashley. Our Mr. Ashley has constructed a whole bunch of these rather vanilla structures in the area over the last couple decades or so, and in fact Yolanda believes one of the streets in the community is named after him.
So the story goes, Miss Jenner plans to live in the larger home — the $6 million one — and the smaller house will be used as offices for her burgeoning cosmetics business. We imagine it will also do double-duty as a dog house for Tigger or Tiger or whatever the heck her ne’er-do-well rapper boyfriend calls himself, whenever he misbehaves.
Now here’s what doesn’t make sense to Yolanda. Miss Jenner, why would you spend more than 10.5 million bucks on these two fairly ho-hum houses when for the same price (or just a bit more) you could’ve had Jennifer Lopez’s 17,000+ square foot Hidden Hills white elephant of a monster mansion? It’s been on the market since the dawn of time and it’s essentially two separate mansions joined together. Plus it looks better inside and out (in Yolanda’s opinion). And it’s been on the market for centuries! All she wants is a mere $12,500,000 and discounts are likely!
“OMGZ Kylie bought J.Lo’s house!!!” Think of how much extra publicity that headline would’ve brought you.
But ours not to reason why. Miss Jenner already has her compound locked down and we hear she’s committed to her new property. At least until the new year, then it’s on to the next.
We nearly forgot to mention that all Miss Jenner’s new garage space is an absolute necessity for a vehicle-hoovering young lady like herself. After all, her current “whips” include (but may not be limited to): 2016 Range Rover SVAutobiography (MSRP: $199,495), 2016 Mercedes-Maybach S600 ($191,300), 2016 Rolls Royce Wraith ($304,350), 2015 Rolls Royce Ghost ($295,850), and a 2015 Ferrari 458 Spider ($263,553). According to TMZ, homegurl opted to sell her 2015 Mercedes-Benz G63 AMG (MSRP: $139,900) recently because Miss Jenner having a vehicle worth less than $200k even after options would simply never do. What would the neighbors think?!
Are we ashamed of ourselves for knowing all that? Yes, yes we are.
Now Miss Jenner — Yolanda has a few last words just for you. We hate to get so philosophical on y’all this early in the week, we really do. But dear Miss Jenner, your life has us puzzled. You’re still a teen and you’ve already got the mansions, the cars, the clothes, the jewels, the business empire, the jetset lifestyle, the fame, the (allegedly) purchased hot body. Now what?
You’ve conquered every aspect of this material life. What else is left for you out there? For the remainder of your many decades of life, Miss Jenner?
Maybe when you’re 60, when you’ve just purchased your latest $100 million mansion, maybe you’ll momentarily pause. You’ll close your eyes and recall a different time forty years ago… the ancient days. Back in 2016! You’ll remember. There was still time back then. You could’ve fixed it all. Think back! You can see the crowd, your 73 million followers on that long-forgotten Instagram app. In your reflection, you’re still there now! You can change it, you can save them all, save yourself. You can warn them all about the horrid, cynical future. Just lock down this place, this time, hold on and make it last forever. Step out into the light, Miss Jenner. You’re young and free and about to burst…