Some time ago, our friend Vlad The Revealer at Celebrity Address Aerial asked Yolanda if we knew who had bought a certain house out in the wilds of Tarzana, inside a guard-gated community called Silver Hawk Ridge. Records show that the mini-compound was sold last year to an enigmatic corporate entity that links back to a New York wealth management firm that is known for having a long list of celebrity clientele, many of whom hail from the music industry.
Now, y’all know that Yolanda is a wee bit old school. These days, the once-maligned San Fernando Valley is no longer just a place for “the poors” and porn stars. Certain areas — Encino, Calabasas, Hidden Hills, and yes, even Tarzana — are now every bit as pricey as the Westside. But we were raised in a different era by parents who classier folks might describe as nouveau riche. And thus Yolanda was strictly taught to never venture over to the “bad side” of the hills. Only darkness, despair and bankruptcy lurks in that Valley, our daddy told us. And so the stigma continues.
But we digress. People seem to like reading about these Valley stories. And after a long time, Yolanda found out that the Tarzana mini-compound in question was sold to a guy named Sir Robert Bryson Hall II. Naturally, your gurl’s first question was “who the bleep is Sir Robert Bryson Hall II?!”
Turns out it’s not an English nobleman but rather a young rapper dude from a Maryland suburb of Washington, D.C. Our Mr. Hall’s rap moniker is Logic, which seems like a very silly name but is certainly less silly than other monikers we’ve seen recently. And it sorta makes sense, given that he can solve a Rubik’s cube while freestylin’. That’s certainly a talent, we suppose.
Mr. Logic first hit it big in 2013, when he signed with Def Jam after the release of his critically-lauded fourth mixtape, Young Sinatra: Welcome to Forever. Since then, he has steadily increased his profile and popularity, culminating this year with the release of his album Everybody, which debuted at #1 on the Billboard album chart and spawned the top 3 single “1-800-273-8255” (that’s the suicide prevention hotline, in case y’all didn’t know).
But let’s move on to a more unfortunate subject. Our Mr. Logic seems like a young man with a good head on his shoulders: he no longer drinks or smokes and he put a ring on his former girlfriend (now wife) Jessica Andrea in 2015. What a pity that his house doesn’t show the same potential. And that’s not just because of the location.
Admittedly, the place isn’t so bad from the outside. It’s a typical 90s mcmansion, of course, but it does have some cool features. There’s a four-car (unfortunately front-facing) garage plus a lighted sports court on a very generous 1.89-acre lot. Located privately at the end of a cul-de-sac, the main house has lovely park views and 4,000-square-feet. of living space And there’s also a 2,000-square-foot guest house that Mr. Logic could use for any variety of purposes: recording studio, storage space, staff quarters, mother-in-law suite. Plus the grounds look well-maintained.
For $1.9 million, it almost seems like a steal, right?
Unfortunately, the interior is a different story. It’s a complete hot mess, actually. We know that some folks complain about the generic look of staged houses, but Yolanda will always advise y’all to spend the cash and hire a stager unless you’ve already got a professional decorator. Ain’t nobody wanna see your tacky old crap strewn around everywhere. Just take a look at this place. There’s so many knick-knacks and so much bric-a-brac littering the joint. And those colors! Lord, take us now.
The thought that someone actually spent time to collect all this junk and then thought to themselves “wow, this looks good” is troubling to Yolanda. Come on now. It’s hideous!
And it’s not just the decor. Strip all that crap out and the rooms are still wonky. That’s one of the oddest staircases we’ve ever seen, and what the hell is going on with the roof in that dining room? There just seems to be some bad, bad feng shui up in this bitch.
Problems continue into the kitchen, which has icky flesh-colored tiles and a nasty ass pot rack. Don’t bother asking Yolanda what those alien-shaped red objects behind the sink are — we don’t know and we don’t want to know.
The house also has a pink felt pool table, naturally. (Was Angelyne having a yard sale?) But at least there’s a nice outdoor kitchen/BBQ area, so Mr. Logic can escape the interior horrors of his pad.
A magnificently ugly four-poster bed dominates the master bedroom. And what adult sleeps with a stuffed bear? Creepy! The master bathroom isn’t particularly heinous, but it is in desperate need of a full-scale remodel.
Out back is a large sparkling pool and there’s also a spa lurking around somewhere. Ironically enough, the guest house is actually much nicer than the main house. It’s got dark brown hardwood floors, a simple but functional kitchen, and another nicely sized bedroom suite that is mercifully free of ugly clutter.
Listen, kiddies, we know that $1.9 million doesn’t go very far in exorbitantly-priced LA these days. But we can’t help thinking that Mr. Logic could’ve got something nicer with his money. On the other hand, the house is located in a guard-gated community and it’s got space and privacy. Maybe those were his only requirements? We just hope he has another $500k or so for a major remodel.
There aren’t too many celebs in Silver Hawk Ridge, as far as Yolanda can tell, but the house immediately next door to Mr. Logic’s was until recently leased by Rob Kardashian’s ex-stripper baby mama Blac Chyna, a “lady” whose popularity (she’s got nearly 14 million followers on the Instagram thing-a-ma-jig) Yolanda will forever be unable to understand.