The sad sixteen bid adieu to their American real estate

Now listen up, y’all. Yolanda will be out of town both this weekend and the next, so if you don’t see many new posts from us, that’s the reason. We’ll be back to our regular schedule very soon, so do not despair.

Speaking of despair! Seems like there’s a itsy bitsy lull in high-end LA real estate activity at this moment, so we thought we’d deviate from our normal transaction discussion routine and focus on a real estate-related current event instead. You know what we’re talking about, right?

The election. Duh.

Now, as you are aware (we hope), the United States has chosen its next president. Yolanda, for her part, chooses to stay neutral on the touchy subject of politics for the purposes of this silly blog. But many of our favorite celebrities did not follow our beautiful lead. Oh no. Lots of them very vocally opposed President-elect Trump’s (potential) presidency, which is absolutely their constitutional right. But some, we fear, may have taken it a bit too far. To the point where their whole damn leg — not just their foot — wound up lodged firmly in their big mouths.

At some point prior to November 8th, no fewer than 16 celebrities (and perhaps more) threatened to leave the USA should Trump be elected.

Now that he has won, we figure these celebs have a civic duty to follow through with their plans. Therefore, y’all should expect some super-prime real estate to very soon become available for sale. Moving out means moving out, after all. Surely celebrities never lie, right? In the meantime, Yolanda will take a tear-jerking look at the homes these folks will be selling. Here’s the list. RIP to their American life. We have Kleenex if you need it.

Note: in the interest of our vacation time (and because Yolanda is one lazy old hag), we’re just going to look at the real estate of six of the soon-to-be-bygone celebrities in question instead of the full sixteen. Don’t like it? Tough. Make your own damn blog!

1. Barbra Streisand:

Ms. Streisand — who is also known (informally) as Ms. Malibu for her longtime association with the seaside locale — currently resides on an epic blufftop compound on Zumirez Drive in the celebrity-heavy Point Dume area of town. The property is resort-like and the location is undeniably gorgeous. But apparently she’d give it all up for Trump.

“I’m either coming to your country [Australia], if you’ll let me in, or Canada,” is what the lady said.

Will she follow through with her promise?! What a stupid question! This is our Babs, after all. She only speaks the truth. Post-election, she opined “Words cannot express how I feel right now.”

You know what that means! She’s ready. Ol’ Babs is unspeakably ecstatic about her new life as a Canadian or Australian. Or perhaps she’s just speechless about the amount of money she’ll rake in for this ultra-ultra-prime, big-ass complex! And it’s a lot.

barbra_streisand_malibu_house
Ms. Streisand’s three-house Point Dume compound

The four structures encompass more than 18,000 square feet of living space at the end of a cul-de-sac. There are two outdoor pools and lots of lush vegetation on 3 acres of land. Yolanda will hazard a guess that the approximate value of this spread is about $50 million. Perhaps even $60 million. So yeah, it’s a big chunk of change. As Donny would say, it’s “HUUUUGE” or “YUUUUGE”.

As you may recall, Ms. Streisand once sued a California Coastal Records Project photographer for posting an aerial photograph of her Malibu estate online. Her bungling attorneys bullied the man in a hilariously unsuccessful attempt to have the photo deleted. Ironically, as news of the incident spread, the picture — viewed just six times prior to a cease-and-desist letter being sent — went viral and has since been viewed hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of times. Today, the phenomenon of how attempting to conceal something actually draws attention to it is known as the “Streisand effect” after her.

We digress.

2. Miley Cyrus: 

Oh, Miley. The poor dear broke all our hearts the other day when she posted a video where she tearfully babbled about something indecipherable. At least to Yolanda’s ears. Seriously, are we the only ones who thought her video sounded like pure, unfiltered gibberish?  Y’all millennials talk with marbles in your mouths. Enunciate! That’s all we old folks ask.

Anyway, Miley’s video was very uncomfortable to watch. It was so graphic! One minute there she was — teeth gnashing, eyes bulging and twisting, limbs jittering and jumping, ears twitching furiously — and then the next there was a loud bang and a purple rain of body parts and all that was left was a supersized, bacteria-laced tongue. It was tragic. It is tragic. It will forever be tragic. So how did this all happen?

Le sigh.

Anywho, before the election Miss Cyrus was already feelin’ bad, y’all. She said “My heart is broken into a 1000 pieces…I am moving if this is my president! I don’t say things I don’t mean!”

But frankly, kiddies, we wonder if Miss Cyrus might be an undercover Trumpster agent. We can only imagine how many thousands of voters pledged support for the Orange Man in order to get this chick out of our hair. Even Yolanda nearly voted for him over this! Seriously, does anyone on either side — Democrat or Republican — want her?

Oh, Miley. You are oppressed so. But the good thing for Miss Cyrus is that she has the money to move wherever she’s wanted. Like Pluto or maybe an asteroid field somewhere.

Miss Cyrus, as far as Yolanda knows, currently owns three multi-million dollar houses. There’s a low-slung mid-century in Studio City that she bought in June 2011 for $3,900,000. Then there’s her ranch out in the guard-gated and Kardashian-infested Hidden Hills community, purchased in April 2015 for exactly $5,000,000. And finally, she’s got a house in a Malibu gated community for which she paid $2,525,000 just this January (2016).

How much are her holdings worth today? Well, the Malibu and Hidden Hills houses were purchased so recently that we doubt Miss Cyrus would be able to turn a significant profit on either one. The only potential upside is if she were get her betrothed Liam Hemsworth to acquire the Malibu place (it’s right next door to a much-larger estate that he himself purchased). But is he moving with her? Ugh. This is soooo complicated!

The Studio City house, however, has likely appreciated in the five years since she it was acquired. Yolanda believes she could get as much as $5 million for the property today. So we figure her entire portfolio is worth $12-$13 million. Nothing tearjerkin’ about that.

3. Amy Schumer: 

The controversial comedian/actress also joined in the fun. She said “I will need to learn to speak Spanish because I will move to Spain or somewhere… It’s beyond my comprehension if Trump won. It’s too crazy,”

Why not learn Spanish for moving to Mexico, Miss Schumer? But we digress. She’s not really moving, sike!! It was all a big lie. Or just a joke, as Miss Schumer would like you to believe.

“First of all the interview where I said I would move was in London and was said in jest,” Miss Schumer wrote. “Not that anyone needs more than a headline to count something as official news. Anyone saying pack your bags is just as disgusting as anyone who voted for this racist homophobic openly disrespectful woman abuser.”

Wait a moment, Miss Schumer! First you say Spain, then you say it was London? And now you are calling folks disgusting when they encourage you to fulfill your promise? Come on now, baby. We hate homophobia and women abusers just as much as you, but don’t play Yolanda like that. Put on your big gurl panties and toot that boot right on out.

Miss Schumer must’ve been confident in Hillary because it was only a month or two ago that she plunked down a very A-list $12,147,000 to buy a 4,500-square-foot penthouse on Manhattan’s Upper West Side.

Unfortunately, she may take a loss on this place. Manhattan apartments generally don’t appreciate very quickly, especially not now when the market over there has been a tad saggy. Don’t worry, Miss Schumer is rich and talented. We’re sure she’ll be able to make do, wherever she goes. Just don’t renege on that promise. We got faith in you, Miss Schumer.

4. Cher:

The Queen of the Undead aka The Ageless Wonder aka Cher is one of Yolanda’s favorite celebrity subjects ever. She’s just so unique, so legendary. The O.G. diva. And predictably, she had the most entertaining I’m-leaving-America statement of them all.

IF HE WERE TO BE ELECTED, IM MOVING TO JUPITER >:|“, opined Ms. Cher, who apparently has not yet mastered the fine art of operating her caps lock key.

402990 08: Actress Cher's home is seen March 27, 2002 in Malibu, CA. (Photo by Mel/Getty Images)

Although Cher has yet to comment on the status of her interplanetary moving process, rumor has it that she just plunked down $20 million — through a mysterious corporate entity called “Big Ass Bewigged Frontier Explorations LLC” — on a gas-view compound in the coveted Great Red Spot neighborhood. But that’s neither here nor there, is it?

Back on Earth, her custom-designed Gothic-meets-Italian Renaissance Malibu blufftop house measures more than 13,000 square feet with 6 beds and 7 bathrooms on a 1.72 acre lot. There is a huge infinity pool and a full-size tennis court sitting right on top of an underground parking lot. And there must be a temperature-controlled wig storage facility on the premises, right?

No shit, kiddies, but we have heard many times over the years that Cher turned down not one but two $45 million offers for this house. So whenever she gets serious about selling, it’s a virtual guarantee there will be demand. Perhaps George Soros will throw her a bone and fork over $50 million for the spread.

Although she may be leaving off into the big red-orange yonder, we will always love Cher and we wish her well in her solar system exploits.

5. Chelsea Handler:

Another comedian who is leaving us. Or not! Here’s the whole story from Ms. Handler’s lips:

Before the election: “I did buy a house in another country just in case, so all of these people that threaten to leave the country and then don’t, I will leave the country,”

After the election: “Yesterday, my staff reminded me that platforms and voices like mine are needed more than ever; leaving the country is quitting.”

First of all, you did?! Yolanda doesn’t know where Ms. Handler’s foreign-country house is, but we congratulate her on being the most likely celeb to follow through with her action plan. She actually went out somewhere and shopped around. And she even bought the house! Secondly, facepalm. Way to ruin that momentum! You’re not leaving because we need you? Yolanda can manage this country just fine, thank you very much.

Yep. Turns out Ms. Handler is actually one of those folks she swore she was not. Homegurl flip-flopped way faster than Trump’s own opinion of the electoral college. Couldn’t resist the allure of her Bel Air home.

The contemporary crib, which sits fairly close to Elon Musk’s five-house complex, rests on a knoll and up a long gated driveway. There are 3 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms plus maids quarters and a gym. More info can be found on the old listing.

Ms. Handler paid just under $6,000,000 for the property back in 2010. Yolanda happens to know that she has done some remodeled the property, and it is entirely possible that she could sell it for significantly more than what she paid. $8 million or so? Perhaps. We really dunno about this one.

6. Samuel L. Jackson:

Mr. Jackson — a prolific and award-winning film actor, in case you didn’t know — publicly appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live last December and generously offered to “move his black ass to South Africa” if Trump won. But alas, even the best-laid plans go awry. Turns out it was just a skit, y’all! In Mr. Jackson’s own words, “When you learn the difference between My Actual Opinion & A Kimmel Skit… Maybe we can talk. Till then, I’m Barbed Wire Up Your Asses!!”

Ouch! That sounds mighty painful. We do pray Mr. Jackson might reconsider on that last point.

samuel_house

But really, there’s no reason to get so upset. We think Mr. Jackson’s Beverly Park tennis court estate — which has 6 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms in a hefty 11,738 square feet of living space and is situated very privately down a long driveway — might be worth as much as $20 million today. He could afford just about any South African mansion with that. And Yolanda has previously visited South Africa, so we know there are some beautiful homes down there.

No need for barbed wire, Mr. Jackson.

One last note. These changing times might be stressful, but our mission is to discuss real estate and poke a little fun at everyone and everything. Don’t get mad — get glad. We can ride it out together. And to all celebrities — shut your big trap next time. Except when it comes to being drama queens and moving out of the country. That is excellent real estate story fodder for Yolanda, after all.

 

1 Comment

  1. Chelsea Handler’s overseas home is in the town of Port de Sóller, on the Majorcan island, Palma. It’s a complete rehab job and sits directly on the harbor.

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