Palmer & Alison West throw down $30 million in Malibu

Put on your thinking caps, friends. Remember when Yolanda blabbed about that oceanfront house way up in the northwestern-most reaches of Malibu? The one that sold for $15,000,000 to a low-profile couple named Palmer & Allison West? If not, well, here’s a refresher.

At the time we wrote about that place, Yolanda noticed that the much-larger property next door was also in escrow. However, as you can see, we had absolutely no idea that the mysterious folks purchasing that lot were none other than — you guessed it — Mr. & Mrs. West.

According to our buddies at Redfin, this second property actually went “Pending” way back in August (2015). But for whatever reason, the deal took nearly a year to close. Records show the Wests (no relation to that other directionally-named family, we pray) laid out a hefty $14,250,000 for this pad. Those with a rudimentary grasp of mathematics — something Yolanda unfortunately does not possess, according to our former teachers — can tell you that Mr. & Mrs. West have now spent an eyebrow-raising $29,250,000 to cobble together a contiguous oceanfront compound that spans 2.54 acres and a spectacular 357 feet of sandy beach frontage.

We’ve already discussed their initial acquisition in detail, so suffice for today to say it’s a renovated Harry Gesner-designed residence on .55 acre with 2,450 glammed-up square feet of living space and was sold by big-time Malibu real estate agent Chris Cortazzo.

As for the West’s latest purchase, we think this little cottage epitomizes the casual beach shack. It’s tiny — records say just 1,232 square feet with 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms — but in Yolanda’s eyes, it’s just about perfect. Cozy and comfy, not huge and show-offy. The focus should be on the mind-blowing views, right?

The house was sold by the family of Donn Tatum, the former chairman and first non-family member President of Disney. Records show the late Mr. & Mrs. Tatum — who passed away in 1993 and 2002 respectively — acquired the 1.99 acre property way back in 1971 for (ready for this?) a mere $112,000.

Though this house is located in a rather remote section of Malibu (some might even dare term the area “inconveniently far”!) we appreciate the fact that the location ensures it’s blessedly free of the swarms of tourists and assorted LA hooligans (including Yolanda!) who swoop down on the beaches any given weekend like one of them scary flocks in The Birds.

Cozy, right? With the exception of the bedrooms and bathrooms, the house is essentially all one room: breakfast nook, den, kitchen.

Interior appointments stop well short of luxurious, but isn’t a carefree, simple life away from the tediousness of keeping up with the Waltons in Bel Air what the allure of Malibu is all about? It used to be that way, we think. At least back when this house was built (in 1953).

Perfect place to lay out and maybe haul out a good E.L. James novel and smoke a doobie.

Okay, laugh all you want. But just admit it — if you had the chance, wouldn’t you jump right into that barrel pool thing? Come on. You would. You know you would.

Holy moly, it’s real sand! Unlike some of those other Malibu shores — *cough* Broad Beach *cough* — this place has the real stuff. It’s not white, but hey, we’ll take what we can get in California. Right?

There’s also a wonderfully dated and laughably unpretentious detached two car garage with storage shed on the property. The 2-acre lot also runs all the way up a long, windy, twisty driveway to PCH, though the house and garage are located down just above the beach, blessedly far from the noise of the highway.

As for the new owners, Yolanda admits she knows very little about Mrs. West beyond the fact that she is originally from the United Kingdom and has a couple small children with Mr. West. Our Mr. West, for his part, is a former independent film producer who was active in the early-to-mid-2000’s (perhaps his best-known work is on the award-winning Requiem for a Dream).

Nowadays, our boy owns and operates a chain of outerwear/activewear retail stores called Aether Apparel. The small-but-growing firm has physical locations in LA, NYC, SF, and Aspen. The brand has also been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Los Angeles Times, and other media outlets. They must be legit.

Perhaps the coolest thing about Aether is their store in space-pinched San Francisco. Rather than your typical brick-and-morter single-story sprawler, this space is fashioned entirely from three recycled shipping containers stacked on top of one another.

But we digress. Yolanda admits she has nary a clue about what Mr. & Mrs. West plan to do with their new, deceptively-modest $30 million compound on the beach. Will they tear it all down and build something baller-style? Will they keep one parcel and develop the other to flip? Will they keep the whole thing as is? (Just kidding about that last one. Nobody shopping in this price range is ever content to leave things as they are, duh).

Still, Mr. & Mrs. West seem to have a bit of a flair for preservation. If you read Yolanda’s previous story about them, you should be well aware that this is not the only 8-figure property they own in LA County. Back in 2009, at the height of the recession, they plunked down a whopping $10,000,000 for a massive mansion in LA’s historic, centrally-located, and ever-more-pricey Hancock Park neighborhood.

The house, known locally as the “Ahmanson Estate” is one of the largest mansions in Hancock Park (topping 14,000 square feet). The Wests have renovated and restored the whale to its original 1929 glory.

We believe, with the renovations and crazy high-end real estate market, that the West’s Hancock Park estate is worth significantly more than the $10 million they paid 7 years ago. Which brings us to our next discussion point – how the heck does a former producer and boutique retail shop owner afford $40+ million worth of luxury LA real estate?

Well, kids, it probably helps when your dad is a billionaire hedge funder named Alfred West, Jr. — whose firm, SEI Investments, has nearly $265 billion in assets under management.

But let’s digress back to Hancock Park. Incidentally, the West’s new next-door neighbors there are none other than perennial Tinseltown hot messes Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne. Here’s all the photos of the Osbourne’s new house for y’all. (It’s actually quite restrained and attractive, shockingly. For now.)

The latest news from the tawdry train wreck tribe is that Sharon’s all discombobulated ’cause her man’s done been cheatin’ on her with an LA hairdresser! Their daughter Kelly, a gal who may be even more uncouth than Yolanda herself, twitted the hairdressin’ Jezebel’s phone number on Twitter (Lawd have mercy), with the caption “Anyone looking for cheap chunky LOW-lights a blow out and a b***j**”

Well, damn. What a klassy broad!

With those kind of neighbors, Yolanda might just need to employ our Rabbi Hedda on a full-time retainer to counsel us — help us keep our sanity. And surely, you see why Mr. & Mrs. West might want substantial vacation spread in a semi-remote area? Tee-hee.

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