Jean Claude Van Damme sells to Ice Cube in Marina del Rey

“Put your back into it.”

As far as Yolanda knows, it was her friends over at the LA Times that were the first to let the proverbial rhino out of the rucksack about Belgian action star Jean-Claude Van Damme unloading his massive LA mansion for $7,250,000. For those of you keeping track, that’s easily the highest price ever paid in the “Silver Strand” enclave of Marina del Rey and it’s also far and away the highest price ever paid for a non-oceanfront house in the entire unincorporated community.

The previous record-holder, in case you were wondering, was Mr. Van Damme himself. He set jaws agape back in 2012, when he paid an even-steven $6,000,000 for the spec-built mansion, more than double any house in the area and $150,000 over the ask back then. Now, four years later, the community’s perennially winning property has done it again, selling for an unheard-of nearly $1000-per-square-foot.

Naturally, Yolanda was curious about who the deep-pocketed buyer could be. And she’s happy to report that even though Mr. Van Damme has moved on, the house’s star power has not been diminished. That’s because property records plainly reveal the house was sold by Mr. Van Damme to a married couple named O’Shea and Kimberly Jackson – better-known, of course, as Mr. & Mrs. Ice Cube.

The big ass house, completed in late 2011, stands a whopping four stories tall in front and tapers down to three out back. Like most properties in this jam-packed neighborhood, the pad really doesn’t have much of a yard but it does overlook a walking path and the community’s Grand Canal that gurgles down to the sea.

Separated at birth: a Kardashian sea hag and Marina del Rey's finest
Separated at birth: a Kardashian sea hag and Marina del Rey’s finest

While not exactly pretty, the residence is certainly imposing. Mostly that’s thanks to its sheer height and the faintly ominous-looking streetside facade. The front door is somewhat unconventionally accessed via a gated side courtyard area and up a flight of stairs.

The mansion has pretty much every high-end electronic gizmo and gadget known to mankind. Security cameras up the wazoo, remote home automation, and probably a self-wiping pooper for those of y’all who struggle with your blimp-sized booty cheeks. You know, that sorta stuff. Blah blah blah.

Guests entering via the front door are greeted by an enormous Buddha statue that gives Yolanda a right fright. Then there are thin-plank white oak floors, two massive crystal chandeliers that probably each cost more than Consuela’s new Daewoo, and a modern glass dining table capable of seating 10 that’s right in smack in the middle of the high-traffic entryway where a bunch of different corridors intersect. That could be a good or bad thing, depending on your point of view. We like the set-up.

Thankfully, there’s an elevator servicing all four floors of the sprawl-challenged palace, though we can’t imagine it got much use during the era of Mr. Van Damme and his third (and fifth) wife, ex-bodybuilder Gladys Portugues‘s ownership. (Seriously, have you seen the bodies on these two? And they’re how old?!  Insane. Guess this is Motivation Monday.)

Somewhere in the dregs of the mansion there’s a dungeon-like wine cellar with seemingly endless rows of real wine barrels. Mr. Van Damme, baby, we’ve got two questions for ya on this shit: are all those really filled with wine? If so, damme! Yolanda might’ve finally met her match when it comes to imbibing. And why ain’t we ever get an invite to party with you? Come on now.

By the way, from whence did all those barrels appear? Did y’all just have a damme 18-wheeler roll up with a wine delievery or did you have to cut a hole in the roof and have a cargo helicopter airdrop all that tasty stuff? Pretty baller. Hey, Mr. Cube, if you acquired them big barrels with the house, won’t you be a dear and let Yolanda just borrow one? All we need is a day or two.

Oh, and there’s also a movie theater with a bro-y looking black couch, but who cares about that.

So you’ve got a Buddha in the foyer, and a Jesus-on-the-cross sculpture in the master bedroom? My word! Make up your damme mind, Mr. Van Damme. There’s also an angel statue – at least we think it’s an angel – that looks more like a potentially lethal toe-stubbing villain.

The master suite also features his-and-hers master bathrooms, including one what is so uniformly white it must be a nightmare for Mr. Van Damme’s Ecuadorian maid Guadalupe to keep clean.

The separate bathrooms is a good thing, Yolanda thinks. The secret to any happy, lasting marriage is separate bathrooms. Didn’t know? Now you do.

Naturally, the residence also includes a variety of other custom features including a world-class gym – strangely not included in listing photos – and a rooftop pool on the top floor overlooking the canal below (also absent in photos).

Oh, and we nearly forgot the kitchen, which comes equipped with marble countertops, a quartz backsplash, and high-end appliances. There’s also an eat-in raised glass bar on the center island and four comfy-looking bar chairs.

Mr. Cube, Mrs. Cube, and their longtime Encino residence.
Mr. Cube, Mrs. Cube, and their longtime Encino residence.

Mr. Cube is, of course, the O.G. gangsta rap icon turned record producer, actor, spokesperson and film-making money-minter extraordinaire. And in case you didn’t know, homeboy is rich as f*ck.

Born in South Central LA, he initially rose to fame as one of the members of the ultra-controversial rap group N.W.A., though he left the band not long after their first major commercial success. He then embarked on a successful, decades-long solo career and has also dabbled in TV and film production.

He and Mrs. Cube, married since 1992, have long resided in the ultra-suburban San Fernando Valley community of Encino. Records show they purchased their current abode almost exactly 20 years ago, in June 1996, for $2,360,000. Property records also reveal the house sits on a 1.11 acre flag lot and has 7 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms in 7,880 square feet. Recreational amenities include a pool, spa, and a full-size basketball court.

Just for kicks, the Cubes’ Encino mansion happens to back up to a tiny cul-de-sac where billionaire financier Michael Milken has, since the 1970s, owned a very private celebrity-pedigreed compound – although Yolanda hears Mr. Milken does not actually spend much time in his Encino home anymore. But that’s really a story for another day, ain’t it?

We’re not sure whether Mr. & Mrs. Cube – who have four adult or nearly-adult children – plan to live in their new Marina del Rey mansion full-time or not. Maybe they’ll move there and unload their Encino place, or maybe they’ll keep both and use the Marina place as a weekend spot. And we’re also not sure where Mr. Van Damme and fam are moving. Guess we’ll have to wait and see.

But back to the most important thing – Mr. Cube, won’t you spare Yolanda some of that Jesus juice in your cellar? We’re not asking for much. Just a barrel or two will do. At least for the first week. Pretty please?

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