It’s a Fug, Fug, Fug, Fug House

Yolanda doesn’t normally discuss currently-for-sale houses on here. We like talking about sold properties and gossiping about the buyers more. Just personal preference. But since we just wrote about the Zhang Estate directly next door on the exact day this monster went on sale (that was actually pure coincidence) we thought we’d throw our two cent hat into the ring and give this old turkey another waddle.

So here we go. Oh Lord have mercy. It’s yet another big-ass spec dump with an attention-whorish price. This one might be the biggest whore we’ve seen in quite some time, actually. This gal wants $150 million. She’s sitting on 2 measly acres in the Holmby Hills. Two teeny acres! And no house has ever sold for more than $100 million in Los Angeles. Ever. And look at that face. Mama would have to be really drunk and hopped up on a Ritalin and Prozac cocktail while puffing hard on a doobie to find love for that fugly mug. Dayum, gurl! You so crazy.

Anyway, have you ever strolled though the streets of downtown Beverly Hills or the Sunset Strip/Melrose area? You’ve probably seen many of those tragedies. You know which ones Yolanda means. They’re everywhere, actually. Women (and men) who need a second glance just to verify they are indeed human. Facial freakshows. Too much work done. Too much sewage pumped into their mugs. Tragic!

That’s what Yolanda immediately thought when we first saw pictures of this new $150 million listing in Holmby Hills. You know how those folks always think they’re fabulous because everyone is staring at them, but really everyone is gawking at… that? Yeah. Not to be rude, but we think that’s kinda happening here.

Hey, Yolanda loves Botox too. Fillers and lip plumpers and boob lifts? Hell yes. All day. But we know when to reel it in, see?

But we digress. The listing proudly touts the “more than 470 feet of frontage on Carolwood Drive – one of the most prestigious addresses in the world.” Um, okay, Carolwood is cool. But seriously? “Frontage”? This ain’t oceanfront Malibu or the Hamptons here. So you’ve got 470 feet of shrubs for passers-by to let their dogs choose from. Big whoop! Humph.

What we find most perplexing about this “estate” is not the 30,000 square feet of interior space, not the two outdoor pools, not the South Coast Plaza vibe. No. It’s those hideous “Howdy, I’m a Vegas crack baby” lighted gates and panels out front. We’ve seen nicer (and farrrr more tasteful) getups on $800K houses.

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Seriously! What is up with that mess? Real damn klassy. We bet the neighbors just love that shit.

Current listing marketing materials provide just two photographs of the interior’s 30,000+ square feet. One shows a dining room and an attached industrial-grade kitchen with some very disturbing orangish-red lighting. Both look like something out of a high-class Cheesecake Factory. Then there’s an airplane hangar or maybe it’s a W hotel or skyscraper lobby with a bunch of dramatically slatted skylights and approximately 138,645 of those flippin’ florescent recessed lights. Holy mackerel. We hope those aren’t powered by your traditional LED bulbs.  Think about how many spares you’d need to buy from Sears every year! You’d need a damn 18-wheeler just to stock up.

There’s three firepits and seating for you and 250 of your closest friends. The motorcourt has off-street space for 50 vehicles, in addition to the 10-car garage. Other features include a theater complex (cool) a mansion-sized master bedroom (Not so cool. It’s probably a 5-minute walk just to the toilet), an indoor pool, a hair salon, a basketball court, a tennis court, and “much more”.

If this whole getup looks vaguely familiar, it’s may be because the developers – Gala Asher and Ed Berman – have done up several very similar house in the area over the last several years. One of them is the big ol’ stinker over in Beverly Hills for which billionaire Steven Cohen paid $31,000,000 last year.

FYI, we usually don’t mention real estate agents, but it’s worth noting that the successful Platinum Triangle realtor lady who represents this property – her name is Ginger Glass – happens to be married to Mr. Asher.

And then, of course, there’s that $150,000,000 pricetag. Obviously done to get attention. And it’s worked, clearly.  But will that attention translate into a sale? And if so, will the sale price be anywhere near the ask? That remains to be seen. But it won’t stop the angry Annies from dissing this place, that’s for certain.

If it were an attractive mansion asking $150 million, it wouldn’t be an issue. Well, folks would still hate. That’s what we do in LA. We talk shit. It’s all done in love. But come on now. This place looks like the illegitimate offspring of a Costco and a supersonic jet, or maybe just like the latest Lord & Taylor.

Typically, Yolanda doesn’t care to speculate on potential sale prices. We’ve been dead wrong on so many occasions we couldn’t count them on all our fingers and toes. So we’ll leave that fruitless debate to y’all. Let your gurl know what you think. But let us just say we would not be shocked if this place eventually sold for somewhere south of the $50 million mark. But what does Yolanda know about anything? Nada.

One final thing. We think Mr. Asher and Ms. Glass would fall over with glee if they got a serious offer for even 1/2 of this ask. Just a guess. And who’s to say it won’t happen? For that matter, who’s to say someone won’t pay the full $150 million? All you peeps should know the Golden Rule of LA high-end real estate: Hoes be crazy. It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world. A big mad world. And all it takes is one crazy ho.

2 Replies to “It’s a Fug, Fug, Fug, Fug House”

  1. I’m baffled about why this brilliant blog isn’t getting more comments.

    Yol, do you know who is the couple who are renovating the nearby ex-Danny DeVito and Rea Perlman house?

  2. I also really like this blog, it reminds me of the old real estalker blog before the whole variety bs

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