We know, we know. “Enough with the Paltrow junk already!” We’re sorry. But we just can’t resist.
It was our gurl Your Mama over at Variety who first broke the news about Coldplay lead/Gwyneth’s ex Chris Martin very, very, very quietly selling his top-secret mansion that many folks didn’t even know he had.
The property is located in the ultra-desirable lower area of the celebrity-swarmed “Mandeville Canyon” neighborhood of Brentwood, which is renowned both for its bucolic and equestrian-friendly atmosphere and the easy access its central location provides to Santa Monica, Pacific Palisades, and one of Yolanda’s favorite LA haunts, the Brentwood Country Mart.
Since we weren’t able to uncover any photos of the residence, we’re gonna have to work with what else is out there to paint y’all a proper picture. The mostly-single-story Spanish-style sprawler spreads out across 7,719 square feet, roughly the same size as Gwyneth’s house across the street. It’s got 5 bedrooms and 7 toilets, there’s a 4-car garage, a movie theater, a gym, a large upstairs balcony, and a big “lagoon-style” pool with its own waterfall. The property is positioned on .6 of an acre.
Though it’s just a quick jog to Sunset Boulevard, the completely walled and gated abode is wondrously noiseless thanks to a thick and impenetrable shield of trees and shrubs out front. We’re sure a celeb like Mr. Martin also appreciated that the motorcourt and garages are not accessed directly off busy Mandeville Canyon Road but rather through an ultra-narrow private side lane (it’s actually more like a long driveway shared with two other homes).
We think the reason why this property has been kept so secret in comparison to Paltrow/Martin’s other homes is that Mr. Martin bought the house way back in October 2013, months before the couple publicly announced their decision to call it quits, or conscientiously dis-couple, or whatever.
Let’s digress here for just a moment. We know some of you are expecting Yolanda to roast Ms. Paltrow real good for this or that or the other thing. Yolanda generally makes fun of anyone and everyone. And we know Ms. Paltrow can come off as quite an egotistical, patronizing, and pretentious silly beotch. We get it. But we just can’t do it.
You see, Yolanda actually really likes Gwyneth Paltrow. Emma was one of Yolanda’s favorite films in her younger days. It may seem strange that someone as uncouth as Yolanda is a huge Jane Austen fan, but it’s the honest truth. By the time we finished grade school, we’d read every Austen book at least twice. No lie. Ms. Paltrow’s performance in Emma was quite brilliant, in Yolanda’s humble opinion. So no matter how ridiculous she is, we’ll always have a soft spot in our cold, dark, snarky heart for Ms. Paltrow because of that. Okay? So check back another day if you wanna see Yolanda’s claws really come out. Maybe Anne Hathaway or Jennifer Lawrence will buy a new house soon. Tee-hee.
Speaking of J.Law, we’ve heard rumors that your ol’ gurl spent more than a couple nights holed up in this house. Oooh la la.
After Mr. Martin bought the large hacienda, he immediately engaged the services of longtime family friend and decorator (and Mandeville neighbor) Windsor Smith to do up the property real fancy-like. Miss Smith bills herself as a “lifestyle architect” (gurl plz) and has designed the “lifestyles” of all three of the family’s LA-area homes.
Property records plainly reveal Mr. Martin acquired this house for $6,750,000 using a mysterious trust (“The Chief Shinto Trust”) and sold it almost exactly two years later, in late October 2015, for $12,000,000 to an oddly-named entity (“5 Wishes LLC”). That’s a big, fat multi-million profit in just two years, though we’re sure that amount decreases dramatically when taking into account Ms. Smith’s decorator fees, taxes, and all that.
Anyway, Yolanda just happens to know that 5 Wishes is a front for London-based couple Maurice & Danielle Salem. We’re not sure how rich he is today, but in 2008 the Lebanon-born Mr. Salem (head honcho at Wharton Investments) was ranked #8 on a list of the UK’s richest young entrepreneurs with a net worth of 145 million pounds, which converts to $204,381,500 USD at today’s rates.
We’re also not sure if it’s just a coincidence that the buyers of Mr. Martin’s house also hail from the UK. Someone told us Mr. Salem and Mr. Martin were friends beforehand but we’re not so sure about that. Probably just a coincidence. There’s lots of British peeps in LA.
We found tons of online evidence that the Salems also own a rather gorgeous Grade-II listed mansion in a particularly pretty and bucolic area of the UK. Rhyll Manor, as it is known, was apparently purchased by the Salems back in 2014. Since we don’t know any real estate agents in the UK and have no clue how to check property records there, we have no idea how much they paid for the estate, but the nearly 20-acre rural spread appears to have last asked $4.25 million pounds or $5,996,197 USD at today’s rates.
The Salems’ UK abode even boasts a convenient if decidedly not historic illuminated helipad. Well, hot dayum! That’s pretty baller. Imagine that, y’all. One day you’re sittin’ out in the English countryside, sippin’ camomile tea, there’s a solitary cow giving you the evil eye, when out of nowhere Mr. & Mrs. Salem’s big-ass helicopter and its machine-gun soundtrack wings swoops in for a landing. Ahh. Nature!
The house was owned by a Lord Hamilton until 2010, and has a quite hoity-toity and distinguished-sounding history. Should you care to read more about that estate, go here. It’s worth mentioning that the property is located in the county of Devon, the very same county where Chris Martin grew up and where his parents reportedly still reside.
Anyway, if the Salems are looking to enjoy a truly “LA” neighborhood, they certainly picked the right spot. Some of their closest neighbors are a whole host of celebs and entertainment industry powerhouses like Ari Emanuel, Richard Lovett, Trey Parker, Ryan Murphy, Teddy Schwarzman, and Gwyneth Paltrow (natch).
As for Mr. Martin, we presume he’s decamped full-time to his Lautner-designed house out in Malibu’s Point Dume area that he was previously sharing with his ex.
It’s a good bet he enjoys it out there in Malibu. It’s an impressive property. The sunny seaside location is calming. But really, we all know what Mr. Marin is most grateful for, right? And okay, we know we pledged not to bash our gurl, but being free of that triflin’ Fishsticks ho? Now that’s true paradise.