Some Like It Wet

About the only thing Yolanda enjoys more than a tiny bit of real estate voyeurism is seeing celebrities caught with their proverbial pants down (not literally pants down, thankyouverymuch. Yolanda sees enough of that just driving through the Sunset Strip or down Hollywood Blvd on any given Saturday night. But we digress). If you love that too, then have we got a doozy for you today. Oh boy!

You might’ve heard that Beverly Hills residents have been naughty recently. So very naughty. While the rest of California’s residents slowly choke to a dry and dusty drought-induced death, these tricks in the Hills of Beverly are still bathing in the purple rain like it’s 1985. That’s right, kids. Beotches in Beverly Hills used water. A whole shit-ton of water, in fact. This in spite of all those pesky mandatory cutbacks and fines. In spite of the fact that over there in Africa, water scarcity is an ever-growing problem. Beverly Hills people don’t care.

The big bad state water enforcer even remarked that “…the customers don’t have the wherewithal to commit to conservation. I’m not sure why that is.” Oh plz, hunny. Don’t give Yolanda none of that ol’ bullshit. We can tell you exactly why that is. It’s because people in Beverly Hills don’t give two shits about those little people problems. While the poors run around like screaming headless chickens, Beverly Hills residents sit there and stare out at the sun and the birds sing softly in the trees. And all is right in the world.

We joke. Sorta. But anyway, Beverly Hills does have a big and serious water conservation problem. So much so that the city got fined by the state. In retaliation, the city sent scary warning letters to the 86 biggest residential water-wasters in the city, saying they’d better dismantle the damn backyard water parks or people might start slapping some hoes. Or something.

The LA Times got hold of all 86 letters using a Freedom of Information Act request, but unfortunately they did not publish a list of all 86 naughty ninnies’ names. Instead, they only mentioned what we’d guess are the five biggest “celebrity” names on the list: billionaire David Geffen, developer Geoff Palmer, producers Brett Ratner and Max Mutchnick, and comedian Amy Poehler. Still, we’d be absolutely shocked if other infamously large-living 90210 residents like Stewart & Lynda Resnick, Eric Smidt, Paul Marciano, and Jeff Bezos weren’t on the list as well. We suppose we could also request copies of those 86 letters using the Freedom of Information Act, but Yolanda is just far too busy with her daily pedicures and filing her Lee’s Press-On Nails to bother with such a tedious task. Maybe one of y’all could be a dear? Pretty please?

For the record, we absolutely love the idea of such public drought-shaming. We think all the “fancy” LA zip codes should do it for all their naughtiest rich residents. We don’t even care if Yolanda’s parents Mr. & Mrs. Yakketyyak wind up on one of them lists. Do you hear? We love it.

Anyway, Yolanda was not at all surprised to see Geffen, Palmer, Ratner, or Mutchnick’s names on the Beverly Hills list. They all have giant and obviously high-maintenance estates. Geffen and Palmer’s estates, in particular, are unquestionably two of the largest and most lavish in all of Beverly Hills. But we admit we were more than a little shocked to see Miss Poehler’s name appear. We knew that she’d been leasing a big house somewhere in the flats for the past few years, but to our knowledge it was not a huge honker of a mega-mansion. So your gurl immediately decided to sort out what’s goin’ on with our Miss Poehler. Are things abnormally chafing and itchy up in her shit? Moisturize, gurl!

Just for your information, what constituted “abnormally high water usage” for Miss Poehler was her average use of 2,786 gallons per day over a two-month period last year. Hot damn! For comparison, the “normal” usage for a family of four in LA is 400 gallons. Miss Poehler somehow required nearly seven times that amount to keep her household functioning.

What was even more flagrant than Miss Poehler’s excessive water use was her reaction to the news that yes, in fact, she was a huge water waster. Unlike most of the others, Miss Poehler didn’t draw upon the trusty old “But I had leaky pipes!!!!!11” excuse. No. She didn’t even bother to comment! The nerve of this gal. And it’s not like the quick-witted Miss Poehler can’t think up a good excuse. Please. You know she just didn’t give a shit. So she ignored everyone about the subject. Damn, gurl. You so crazy!

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With a leg up from our gal pal Your Mama at Variety, we sorted out that Miss Poehler’s leased house in question is a big-but-not-huge 1929 mansion on a corner lot with 5,785 square feet and 5 bedrooms/6 bathrooms spread throughout the main house and not one but two guest houses. Oddly enough, we also found two different old rental listings. One says the house is “Mediterranean” and the other insists it’s “Spanish Colonial”. We don’t understand the discrepancy so let’s just call it European-influenced and leave it at that. Yeah. The house sits on 0.51 acres, which is fairly standard for this area of the flats.

According to our sources, Miss Poehler has been leasing this house since early 2011 from a not-famous couple. We can’t fathom why a lady as obviously rich as Miss Poehler would opt to remain a renter for so long, but there you have it. We found documentation that indicates Miss Poehler shells out $23,700 per month for the privilege of occupying the premises. That means she’s forked out over $1.4 million in rent alone over the past five years, not to mention associated utility expenses like those pesky $2,200 water bills. Clearly, in case you were unaware, Miss Poehler is a very rich lady with a ton of cash in the bank.

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The property is high-hedged and so extensively landscaped that it looks more like something out of a sub-tropical jungle than in a desert like LA. If you ask your gurl it’s way overkill, even by celebrity privacy and high-maintenance standards. As we look at age-progressed aerial photographs, it also appears that the lavish-living Miss Poehler has added even more plants and foliage during her five years in residence. Does this ho think she’s Tarzan, or what?

Given that Miss Poehler shells out the big bucks for this rental, imagine your gurl’s surprise when we discovered that she’s actually owned a home in 90210 for well over a year. That’s right. Way back in December 2014, Miss Poehler very quietly shelled out $3,630,000 via a mysterious blind trust for a privately-situated house about 10 minutes’ drive north of her leased residence.

The house in question, a remodeled mid-century-modern-meets-contemporary-ranch-style-house-sorta-thing sited on a .77-acre flag lot, sits high in the hills above the city on a narrow lane that provides short-cut access to Trousdale Estates and West Hollywood from oft-congested Coldwater Canyon.

The residence wraps around a tight backyard that’s mercifully (for Miss Poehler’s water bill) mostly-hardscaped instead of grass-scaped. Still, there’s a big and vaguely boomerang-shaped pool that you just know is always thirsty.

A very staged, commodious living room has white oak floors and a big ol’ fireplace. The house has plenty of areas for entertaining or for sticking a big-ass pool table in the middle of everything.

The master bedroom and bathroom both have minimalist decor and hillside views. Unfortunately, the bathroom sink has what seems to be positively puny countertop space. Yolanda’s got so much toiletry crap we couldn’t possibly live with that. It takes a lot of goop to stay looking this good, y’all.

Yolanda wondered why, if she bought this house 15 months ago, has Miss Poehler not yet moved in? Turns out the house that you see in photos here does not sufficiently impress the lady. She’s embarked on a multi-year renovation and remodel of the residence to make it suit her high standards. Remember kids, Miss Poehler isn’t a regular mom, she’s a (rich) cool mom.

Miss Poehler will be pleased to know that once she finally moves into her new house, she won’t have to worry about those pesky Beverly Hills peeps drought-shaming her again. That’s because this new house, despite having a 90210 zip code, is technically located within the city of Los Angeles in an area that’s known as Beverly Hills Post Office. The services, utilities, etc are provided by the city of LA. And given that LA is massive (duh) and includes water-hogging areas like Beverly Park, Bel Air, and Holmby Hills, we think Miss Poehler could run the damn sprinklers and flush the damn crappers 24/7 at her new place and still not make the top-offenders list. You outsmarted the critics, Miss Poehler.

On a final note, we’re not sure if it’s a coincidence or not, but one of Miss Poehler’s nearest new neighbors is fellow comedian Bill Maher, whose two-house compound sits directly across the street.

So go on with your bad self, Miss Poehler. Keep splashin’ out all that water. You’re a rich beotch and you clearly ain’t afraid to show it. But one day, as you momentarily gaze up at the clear, cloudless sky while you hose down your driveway for the fourth time that morning, maybe you’ll pause and a shadow will ever-so-fleetingly cross your face. You’ll think of Flint. Or the kids in Africa. Or the critters in the Mojave, screaming as they slowly succumb to the endless heat (we made that one up). Then another black Bentley will whizz by, showering your driveway yet again with a million flagrant, spinning particles of dust, nomadic remnants of a time when LA was just another desert wasteland. Then the shadow will vanish. You’ll roll your eyes, whip your hair back like a boss lady does, and aim your angry rubber friend at the settling sediment. You’ll put your finger on the trigger. Your eyes will narrow, your nostrils flare. And, just as the perfect Mona Lisa smile creeps across your face, you’ll squeeze that trigger with the angry, smoldering force and precision of your most biting social commentaries. As the warm summer breeze scatters errant streams of water far and wide, angrily pushing the dirt back to the gutters, to the underground rivers, and finally to the vast and all-conquering sea, you’ll toss your head back and let out an unrestrained laugh. Maybe one day. One day…

 

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