EDIT again (9/16/16): Some fans think we’re crazy but though we briefly amended this post earlier (and received quite a bit of flak for doing so), we just got off the phone with Mr. Deep Throat who refused to budge and was absolutely adamant that this is Mr. Tomlinson’s estate and NOT Liam Payne’s. “Poppycock!” he said when we told him how many, many Directioners have been saying we were wrong (okay, he didn’t actually use that exact word). We know Mr. Deep Throat and he is not the type of person who tells lies. So we’re editing this post back to its original form. Hate as you please, but Yolanda’s had enough for tonight. We’ll be at the nearest alcohol-serving establishment, thankyouverymuch.
A few months ago, some of those oft-entertaining UK-based tabloids reported that some fella named Louis Tomlinson was buying a $10 million house to house his baby mama, some chick named Briana Jungwirth from Calabasas, CA. We skimmed the story and scoffed to ourselves. “Who the hell is Louis Tomlinson?” “Bitch please, that fool can’t afford a $10 million house.” “Who the hell would buy a $10M house for a chick they weren’t even married to?”
Turns out that Mr. Tomlinson is, as most of you already know, a member of the British boyband One Direction, a band formed by none other than Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls fame. The more you know…. Anyway, Forbes estimated that the group raked in a total of $205 million from June 2013 to June 2015. That’s right, beotches. One Direction, the group with those (admittedly catchy) bubblegum pop ditties, raked in over $200 million in just two years. Once Yolanda had finished picking her jaw off the floor, she called all her gurls to see if any of them knew what was what with Mr. Tomlinson’s real estate tale.
Before Yolanda gets to the meat of this particular anecdote, let us digress to tell you a quick side story. Some years ago Yolanda’s parents Mr. & Mrs. Yakketyyak were eyeing a vacation house in Malibu. Knowing Yolanda, they asked us whether they should plunk down the cash or not. We told them what we tell everyone. Malibu? Are you crazy? That shit’s gonna be underwater in a few years! The water is cold and stinky! Traffic is horrendous! Don’t ever buy that crap!
Know what Mr. & Mrs. Yakketyyak did? Of course you do. Those beotches bought that crap. And they eventually ended up making good moolah off that transaction. Point is that sometimes folks do things that just seem damn foolhardy with high-end real estate but then they make big bucks off doing those foolhardy things. And the naysayers are the ones left looking foolish. Yolanda’s been left lookin’ a damn fool many times, so we ain’t gon’ judge Mr. Tomlinson for how he spends his mountain of money. Whew.
Because you see, y’all, young Mr. Tomlinson – a lad of only 24 years old – really did spend a brain-frying $10,000,000 on a Los Angeles crib for his baby mama.
The crib in question is actually a huge-ass celebrity-style private compound with, unsurprisingly, a hefty list of former celebrity owners. The property sits in a remote area that’s known as Monte Nido, tucked into the Santa Monica Mountains about halfway between Calabasas and Malibu. Although the property technically has a Calabasas zip code, this is obviously a much and blessedly different area than the Calabasas where those crazy Kardashians reside. Good Lord, can you imagine being neighbors with that pack of looney tunes? The circus would be in town every damn day just with Khloe calling all the paps to see her plop her butt in a Bentley at Trader Joe’s while Kourtney drives her school bus through the gates 46 times per day to pick up and drop off all 18 of her spawn up from daycare or granny Kris’s palace. Lord have mercy.
But we digress yet again. Back to the subject at hand.
Yolanda’s mind boggles at the maintenance expenses required to keep an estate of this magnitude up and running. For starters, the property sits on 5 fully-landscaped acres. The main house is nearly 10,000 square feet, but there’s also a whole host of accessory detached structures including not one but two guest houses, a guard house at the front gate, and a separate “meditation tea house”, whatever the heck that is.
We’re not gonna lie, we totally dig the peaceful setting and those majestic shady sycamores shielding the entrance to the main house.
The double-height living room is exceptionally spacious with a massive flatscreen TV, ornate custom chandelier, lustrous milk chocolate-colored hardwood floors and lots of cool architectural details. Check out that fireplace. Pretty insane.
There’s a proper entrance hall and foyer that leads directly to the living and dining areas of the main house. In addition, the structure also contains a commodious guest bathroom with eye-catching wood/tile work somewhere on the main floor.
Now that’s what Yolanda’s talkin’ about. A real damn two-story library of our dreams. Louis, baby, won’t you invite your gurl over for an afternoon of reading while curled up on that sofa? We can’t think of a better way to pass the time. Can you?
We were expecting to love the kitchen, but oddly enough it’s definitely Yolanda’s least favorite part of the estate. Somehow the ceiling feels too low, and those yellowish (terrazzo?) countertops just don’t jive with the vibe of the rest of the estate. Where are those amazing Spanish tiles that are featured so liberally in other parts of the house? And we’re also not crazy about that choice of flooring or that ugly-ass white apron sink that sticks out worse than Kim K’s blimp-sized badonkadonk. (Okay, fine. No more Kardashian references for a whole month. Cross our heart.)
Seriously, what the hell happened with this room? Did the construction workers forget to finish the job? Don’t make Yolanda come up in there and slap a ho. At least there’s a built-in aquarium so we won’t string anybody up just yet. Not in front of the fishies, at least.
The master bedroom is pleasingly unconventional with its sloping roofline, sitting alcove, and a particularly comfy-looking sofa. We’re not sure if that enormous wooden beam on the ceiling that appears to bisect the bed is good feng shui or not, but we’re feelin’ it nonetheless.
Out back there’s a masive rectangular pool with a raised spa centered around the property’s second guest house and enough lounge chairs to fit all the One Directioners and their romantic interests.
On the left, the property’s front gate and guard house. Looky-loos and screaming fangurls, beware. At right, a stone bridge heading over a section of the private creek which runs throughout the property. You know you’re a boss when you own your own big ass creek, y’all.
At left is one of two small guesthouses located somewhere within the property. There’s also an outdoor lounge patio area near the front of the main house on the right.
What a lovely outdoor lounge area with heat lamps, a firepit, and even a TV. Enjoying some hookah and hummus out here on a chill Saturday night sounds just right to us.
Mr. Tomlinson now doesn’t have to buy his own wine from the local Gelson’s like the plebes do. Check out those tasty-looking vines. Just kidding. We wouldn’t eat the vines (bad joke).
Here we have the “meditation tea house”. We’re still not sure what the exact purpose of this thing is but it’s stunningly gorgeous. Yolanda would most assuredly spend every morning eating her gravy ‘n grits up in here while having her daily pedicure done.
As previously mentioned, the property has had a long string of celebrity owners. In 2003 it was acquired for $4,750,000 by the fab-u-lous gay Hall of Fame songwriter Desmond Child (for those who don’t know, he wrote or co-wrote some huge ass hits for superstars like Ricky Martin, Cher, Bon Jovi, and Katy Perry. Anyway, in 2004 Mr. Child flipped the house for $5,500,000 to helicopter pilot/entrepreneur extraordinaire Alan Purwin and his wife, Kathryn. Mr. Purwin filmed aerial scenes for hundreds of films including some of the biggest blockbusters of all time. Unfortunately, his life was unexpectedly cut short last year when he perished in a plane crash while on assignment shooting in Columbia.
In summer 2010, the Purwin’s put the compound on the market with an optimistic asking price of $13 million. Unfortunately, the property didn’t sell until late 2011, when it was acquired by a mysterious corporate entity named “Monte Nido LLC” for just $6,300,000, or less than half of what the Purwins originially wanted.
Yolanda happens to know that “Monte Nido LLC” is a corporate cloak for famous British financier Roger Jenkins, who was once the highest-paid man at Barclays and ran around the globe making international deals worth billions but now resides in relative anonymity in Malibu. Mr. Jenkins gave the property a major remodel “in the style of California Mission and Santa Barbara architecture,” according to the listing and which y’all can see in the listing photos.
Side note: Mr. Jenkins’ ex-wife Diana Jenkins – a Bosnian philanthropist and A-list socialite who prowls around town with the likes of Cindy Crawford, Ari Emanuel, and George Clooney – also resides in Malibu. She’s also widely rumored in certain pockets of LA to run the biggest celebrity escort service in Hollywood. That’s right, y’all. Ms. Jenkins is (allegedly!) the biggest thing to hit the scene since our sista Heidi Fleiss took a long trip downtown. But that’s really another story for another day, ain’t it?
In April 2014, Mr. Jenkins put the compound up for sale with a still-optimistic pricetag of $13 million. Unfortunately for him, it took nearly two years before along came Mr. Tomlinson who swooped it up for the aforementioned discount price of $10 million.
Yolanda has heard from a certain someone in a position to know that Mr. Tomlinson, Ms. Jungwirth, baby Tomlinson, and Mr. Tomlinson’s current gal pal Danielle Campbell, an actress who’s starred in a couple films we ain’t never heard of before, are all currently occupying the premises along with whatever live-in security/staff Mr. Tomlinson employs to secure and maintain this baller-style estate. Seriously?!?! Okay, Yolanda promised she wasn’t going to do any judging but she’s just gotta spit some truth for a moment. Listen up real good, Mr. Tomlinson. Call Yolanda a prude all you like but what you’ve got cookin’ up here is a recipe for certain disaster. We’re sure many young men dream of running their own harem but if you don’t get all them women up on outta your house something or someone eventually gonna pop off.
Even more pictures in the gallery section for all you 1D fans.