The Real Estate Yenta! The Old Lady! Donald Frump! There are so many names for Yolanda Yakketyyak. Underneath it all, Yolanda is a kind and gentle lass who would love nothing more than to pet flowers and sniff puppies all day. But a gurl’s gotta pay her damn bills somehow. She writes long and oft-boring essays about the homes of some people you may have heard of before. But probably not.

Yolanda wants one thing in this crooked, nasty old world. Yolanda wants to know everything about every high-end home sale in Los Angeles. That’s what she wants. That is what has rung through her head every thick, dull and dusty morning since her parents, a Marmaduke and a diabetic parakeet, hatched her egg. I wanna know about that. That house is cute. That one is fugly. There is nothing in this Yolanda world that isn’t pointing her toward real estate. Oh gosh how she loves it. Oh gosh, oh gosh. She is 98 years old. She is that old. But she doesn’t care. She loves it. Each and every house in LA. What a dream! What an asparagus wish!

if for some reason you want to contact Yolanda, you’d best email [email protected]. But keep in mind that Yolanda ain’t never met a swear word she hasn’t fallen in love with and wed in international waters. So put big gurl panties on before pressing that “Send” button.